The Onnas Vs. The Dragon
by Lady Priscilla Violet Regina
Summary: Rated for very, very mild sexual situations, and profanities in different languages! -.ó The five Gundam Girls, Hilde, Relena, Catherine, Dorothy, and Sally have a mission...to find out what Wufei sleeps in! Will they succeed?


The Onnas Vs. The Dragon

By: Priscilla Violet Regina

Disclaimer: I own many things, but not the characters used here. They are owned by the people who own them. Which is not me!

Warnings: Very funny, slightly suggestive...NON-YAOI! (Surprisingly)

Hilde Schbeiker, Relena Peacecraft, Catherine Bloom, Sally Po, and Dorothy Catalonia all sat at the dining room table in Hilde's apartment, some drinking tea, others coffee, while they enjoyed sharing stories about the Gundam Pilots they were living with.

Sally sighed. "Wufei is definitely a challenge. He insists that my name is 'onna' and that my purpose in life is to serve him! I swear, he can be so arrogant sometimes..."

"I know exactly what you mean, Sally, Heero can get the same way sometimes. Either that, or he's locked up in his office, typing away on that damn laptop of his...I think if he didn't have that thing he'd go insane!" Relena replied, shaking her head and smiling.

"He's so caught up in this whole honor idea that we don't even sleep on the same floors of the house! Sally exclaimed. "If he didn't have anywhere else to go, I'm sure we wouldn't even be living in the same house! He says its, 'Dishonorable to live in sin, without complete unity.' or something like that..."

Hilde considered this for a moment, then thought of her own room mate. Duo was the one who had pushed for them to live together, and she willingly accepted. Smiling, her thoughts drifted to Wufei and Sally's predicament...not even sleeping on the same floor. So, obviously, she hadn't seen what he wore to bed...

"Hey, Sally?"

"Yes, Hilde?"

"Not to pry, but...have you ever seen what Wufei wears to bed? For some reason, I can't think of what he would prefer to sleep in..."

A thoughtful look passed over Sally's features while she pondered over this, curiosity growing with each passing second. Then, a smile flitted across her cheeks, and her eyes began to sparkle as her mind formed a plan.

"No, I don't know what Wufei wears to bed, but I know how we can find out...I'll need each of your guys' participation, though, alright? Okay, here's how it goes..."

~*Later that night*~

A single knock sounded on Wufei's door, loud and resonant, causing him to jump slightly, knocking his glasses down to his lap. A scowl crossed his Chinese features, followed by a muttered, "Injustice..." as he rose to answer.

"What is it, Onna? This is dishonorable, it's very late at night! What are you doing up?" he shouted as he approached the only entrance to his room, adjusting his robe. Pulling open the door swiftly, he glared at who he thought was Sally, but was surprised to find no one there. Walking slightly out into the hallway, he put on his best frown and gazed first left, towards the stairs, then right to the bathroom. Still seeing no one, he snorted and turned to re-enter his room, noticing his door close.

'Funny, I don't remember pulling it shut...it was probably the wind.' he resolved, reaching for the knob. Turning the handle, he frowned as he found it locked. 

From the inside.

"ONNA!"

Catherine and Dorothy giggled, taking seats on the angered Chinese man's bed while he ranted and raved in his native tongue. Trowa's sister pulled out a walkie-talkie and sent her message.

"Onnas 3 and 4 to Onna 5. The dragon is in the hall, repeat, the dragon is in the hall."

"And making quite a lot of noise, we might add!" Dorothy exclaimed, giggling as she listened to Wufei's shouts. Catherine grinned and continued her report.

"Onnas 3 and 4 to Onna 2...are you in position?"

A muffled, static filled voice came through, although it was easily discerned as Hilde's. "Duo. I am in--"

"What?" the female acrobat asked, eyebrow raised.

Hilde's bell-like laughter rang through as she explained. "Well, you know how they always say, 'Roger!' when they are confirming information on these things? I don't know anyone named Roger, so...I said Duo instead! And besides, he is much more pleasant than any Roger-fellow...anyway, I am in position, and about to put the dragon's flame out! Onna 2 out!"

Dorothy yawned as she walked about the luxuriously furnished room, admiring the many Chinese knick-knacks Wufei had displayed. Coming across a music player, the blonde through the stack of CDs she had brought and found a copy of one of Shania Twain's albums. Smiling, she placed it in the CD player and cranked the volume, finger hovering above the 'play' button.

Her cue came soon. A slash was heard against the door, and the two could see the carpet get darker as it soaked up the water thrown. Very shortly afterwards, angry yelling was heard from outside the room, a mixture of many languages as Wufei cursed his unknown attacker. Occasionally an 'INJUSTICE!' or 'KISAMA!' was discerned through the babble of profanities, at which Dorothy hit play. 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' rang throughout the house as the blonde and her companion camped out, turning on the TV to watch the newest episode of Iron Chef. Not dubbed, of course!

Wufei was pissed. Not only was he locked out of his own room, he was soaking wet and forced to some rubbish about baka onnas! Fuming, he started off down the hallway towards the stairs, getting more and more angry as he heard the 'plop, plop, plop' of his feet on the antique Chinese hall runner, soaking it.

Reaching the stairs, he started heading down them, making his way towards Sally's room. Going through the kitchen, he paused, listening. Was that static from a radio or CB he heard? Narrowing his eyes, he crouched to a defensive stance, leaning up against a cupboard. Little did he know was that the very same cupboard he was leaning against housed the nervous Relena, who was furiously trying to turn down the volume of her walkie-talkie, but to no avail.

'If he hears this, he'll find me for sure, and the whole plan will be ruined! Maybe I should call for help...But what if he hears me? I guess I'll have to risk it...'

"Onna 1 to anyone...Help! I'm at my post, but he's right outside it, leaning up against the door! Get him away from here!"

Unfortunately for Relena, only one person heard her plea. The one person she had hoped wouldn't.

Smiling to himself, Wufei stood up, acting like he was going to leave. 'I'll teach these baka onnas to try to trick me...Nobody gets the better of the dragon!'

Turning abruptly to his right, Wufei leapt up onto the counter silently, and started to crawl back until he was directly over Relena. Lying completely flat, he placed one ear to the cool surface, listening intently.

Relena frowned, eyebrows furrowing. 'Did he...go? Why? I didn't get confirmation that anyone heard me...maybe I should go check...wait! He could be tricking me, trying to get me in the open!' She laughed at her paranoid thoughts. "Yeah, right, Wufei knows I'm even in here. Ha!"

The said Gundam pilot smiled. Prey...and, best of all, unexpectant prey. Female prey. Stupid prey. Only one question crossed his mind. 'Why is Relena Peacecraft in my house? I wonder if Heero knows she is here...' Bracing himself, he waited patiently for the girl's exit of his cupboard.

Finally, Relena got up the nerve to check to see if Wufei was still in the kitchen. 'What's the worst that can happen? He'll see me and probably kick me out...it's not like he'll kill me or anything...' She shuddered at this thought, thinking of Heero and his numerous threats on her life. Smirking, she closed her eyes and pushed open the cupboard with her foot, then managed to fall out of her cramped hiding place. Wufei slid back on his counter, further hiding himself from view.

Getting up, Relena brushed herself off while leaning against the cabinets, scanning the room. No sign of Wufei, who was directly behind her, formulating a plan. Scooting forward, he wrapped an arm around the girl's waist and placed one hand on her mouth, muffling her startled scream. Kissing her neck softly to relax her, he whispered in his best impression of Heero possible, "Relena...why are you here when I need you, want you at home?" in her ear, while he sucked on her earlobe.

His plan worked. She melted like butter on a sidewalk in Texas on a summer day, instigating the next part in his procedure. Still keeping her back to him, he hopped down to the ground and pulled both of her hands behind her, handcuffing them together, then to the handle of the fridge, much to the surprise of the former Queen of the World.

"Wufei! Get these off of me! Wufei!!!" she screamed as he left the room, once again heading towards Sally's living quarters. Thinking the better of it, he paused and turned back towards the still shouting Relena, who quieted her commands when she saw him return. 

"I know you'd see it my way, Wu--hmphfjljffllmmn!"

The boy smiled. They can always get new napkins.

Finally reaching his destination, Wufei threw open Sally's door, glaring daggers while he shouted furiously, "Onna? Where are you, and Why can I not--arrghhh!"

The said woman appeared, grinning like a child with a new toy as she watched the dangling Wufei, who was still shouting obscenities.

"Onna! WOMAN! Why am I hanging from the ceiling? What is this all about?"

Sally just continued to beam, walking closer and closer to him until she was face to face with Wufei. She flicked his hanging pony tail with an index finger while staring at him, seeming to see into his soul.

"What is this all about, you ask? A number of things, really. Although the others just think it's because I want to find out what you sleep in..." A horrified look passed over his features, onyx eyes widening immensely. "There really is more depth to it then that. What do you think this is about?"

The Chinese boy scowled, eyes narrowing while he hung there, swaying slightly back and forth. His eyes never left Sally's as he swung, gaining more and more momentum as a quick escape plan formed in his mind.

Sally moved back, out of the way, and watched, grin never leaving her cheeks. Suddenly, when he was in mid swing, she pushed a button to release the rope around his feet, dropping him to the pile of pillows she had carefully arranged on the floor in case this happened. He landed with a plop and an "Oomf!" but painlessly, nonetheless.

Sally was standing over him immediately, blocking any means of escape. He glared up at her, knowing he was defeated but not admitting it, and crossed his arms, leaning against the wall. The woman only smiled more at his stubborn attitude, and leaned down, leveling with him as best she could.

"Wufei...?" she said quietly by his ear.

The sound of her voice, the warmth of her breath, the womanly scent around her all turned Wufei into a quivering jelly on the inside, yet he still didn't show any signs of surrender.

Sally smirked. She knew she had more affect on him than what he was showing and admitting to. She decided to try it again, this time moving closer. "Wuf--"

She was silenced by the Chinese man's mouth covering hers, engaging them in a passionate lip lock as his hands found their way to the small of her back, pressing her to him. His tongue wove a web of festive dances around the inside of her mouth, savoring her taste.

Pulling away for a chance to catch her breath, Sally blinked furiously, trying to regain her composure after such an amazing kiss. Wufei grinned at his abilities to make any woman feel weak in the knees. 

Pride taking over, he thought confidently to himself, 'I have the power many weak men wish they had...the talent to cause any woman to succumb to my every wish!' while smirking and leaning back against the pillows, hands clasped behind his head.

Sally smiled. There he was, being the egotistical little man he is...

Standing up, she kicked him lightly to get him out of his 'I'm the best' phase and stared at him menacingly, hands planted firmly on her hips. "Well?"

Wufei frowned, sitting up straight. "Well what, onna?"

"You never answered my question."

"What question?"

Sally rolled her eyes. "Why do you think we did this to you?"

The man's eyes narrowed dangerously as his lips pursed. "Because you are baka onnas who got bored, that's why." he answered indignantly, looking away.

The woman above him smiled. "Nope! As I told you before, the reasons are numerous, but the main one is this. What is it that you wear to bed?" Wufei's already pale face got paler when he heard this. Sally laughed. "Does that scare you Wufei? Why? Isn't not like you sleep in the nude..." she continued giggling until she saw the blood rush to his cheeks and ears, turning them bright red. Mouth dropping, she exclaimed, "No! Oh my Gods!" in denial, flushing as well.

Wufei remained silent, looking away, until his pride took over again. 'What's so bad about that? so what if I do? I have the body for it, don't I? Hell yeah! So there's no reason not to!'

"There is nothing wrong with relaxing one's self fully for bed. Clothing and pajamas restrict movement and prevent complete relaxation of the mind as well as spirit. So be quiet, onna!"

Sally, by now, was howling with laughter and trying to reach the rest of the girls, minus Relena, on her walkie-talkie to inform them of the vital information she had discovered. But, to her dismay, the communication device seemed to have lost all power. Checking the batteries, she glared at Wufei, who smirked. "Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.......lemme have my batteries back!"

He frowned. "No."

"Buy why?"

"Because we have other things to do...what were your other for trapping me in here? And only wearing this robe, too..." he smiled devilishly, making his way over to a shocked Sally.

"Uh, well...I...uh..."

The Chinese man nodded knowingly and hit the light switch, starting to slide off his robe.

Five minutes later Sally found herself bound and gagged on the pile of pillows she had prepared earlier, with a chuckling Wufei standing over her.

"Nobody gets the better of the dragon. Nobody."

Smirking, he left the room and made his way upstairs to deal with others involved in this fiasco, leaving an extremely pissed Sally in his wake.

"I'll get you back, Wufei!"

Although, as it echoed throughout the expansive house, it sounded more like she had said, "Ow'll get loo ack Wufa!"

Wufei just smiled.

He couldn't wait until she did.

-Owari

Author's note to Bef-channy:

I told you this was a special fic, and it is! I wrote it with you in mind, hoping to cheer you up! These are the events that led to this fic: You said you were upset, we teased Duo about his black boxers, and you had lost Wufei...~.ó I couldn't resist! So, I want all who read this to know this is dedicated to Bef-channy, known at FF.net as TenshiKachuu, a wonderfully talented writer and great friend!

Note to others: Hope you liked it! R/R, and CC to me, please!


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